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Just to find you

I can remember what it was to be young and to dream, can remember what it was to simply just sit and wish that I'd be able to let go. My mother had always told me that I would find someone worthwhile that I would love. That there would be only one person in the whole wide world for me. Someone who I could relate to that would love me for me. Can remember waiting for what seemed forever and a day until the day I had finally found her when I was just seventeen. Can remember what it was when she had asked to date me and I had looked back at her and had smiled. I didn't know it then but I had a feeling, I hadn't hesitated to ask that girl to marry me. I can remember all of the fun times that we had; the days we were wrestling and her grandpa would just stare at us as we would laugh, the nights we would talk in the moonlight about our dreams. Can you remember love the night we snuck out at three just to go to King Soopers to buy icecream? Do you remember the day we sat by the lake and talked about my cousin Sammie? And do you remember the nights in the cold of winter we'd sneak out and go for walks? Remember the nights we'd watch Desperate Housewives as I'd scream during the scary scenes and hold you close to me? Hahaha and my joke about you being from Taihiti. I can remember the nights sitting at our dinner table with dad and mom talking about random things. Can remember the days I'd hold you as you'd cry.  Can remember the days we'd walk down the hallways of Green Mountain together and laugh at silly things. Can remember being that popular lesbian couple that people would talk to and randomly talk about. Remember the sandwhich that flew? lmao Can remember all of our silly little fights. Eventhough your down in Lakewood and I'm a hanging around in my dorm up here in Greeley, I want you to know that there's not a day that I don't think of you, not a night my eyes don't fill up with those lonely tears for you.  Theres not a minute I quit wishing that you were up here with me. I will always think back to being a young girl and those words that my mother had said to me and I'll always remember the day that I had found you. I'd go the whole wide world just to be there with you, just to know that I'm home and that I still belong. I'll try not to be long my love, I know I should be lying on our great grandmothers bed beside you laughing at random things like we used to as I'd hold you close to me.  Know that in spirit i'll be there.

Snow

All of these experiences and all of the things that I have gone through I see now how I have become so cold, so numb as if I had been stuck in the arctic now for a while. But it will always be a while and when I think of the love that I have for her I'm at a loss for words and the pain stings me like a sword slashed across my chest. Could I do everything that you want, everything that you ask when I'm away? Could I beat the odds with you, could I show you the very minutes I'm totally aware at how easily it could be to just slip and drop you, how easy it could be to forget all of the things that bind us together. But I'd rather try than fail, I'd rather do than don't. And when I think that trully your the only thing that I love. Your the only thing that I try so hard to hold onto and it's just like the snowy hills, the simplest mistake could ruin everything and start the hardest trek back. But through the numb snowfall know that I see and love you.

Memories of Boulevards

I can remember the sound of their guitars as I watched them as I walked, and I can still remember his words that set me into so much fear, like seeing a sunrise come too soon. And as I listened I wondered would I, could I ever accomplish all of the things that I had set out to accomplish? And could they ever know me, ever see past the bad things that I have done, past the horrid things that I have seen? It had seemed like I would never come home past that day, past those words of hers that had shown me that not everyone has the capability of being a positive influence upon my life. And I had learned to be ashamed of my past but now I realize that how could I be ashamed of all of the accomplishments and of all of the endurences upon my life? I have endured many things in life, have endured many things that have made me stronger. And the greatest thing about failure is the ability to be more, the ability to be so much more than anyone could have dreamed of past one's failures. And could I be that strong person that I once was, that hadn't needed a soul and had become comfortable within the open range of opportunities that falls into a single woman's lap. But the sunrise had come too soon and those dreams had slowly dissappeared into something new, into a new poem full of opportunity and ability. And could you see past my wounded soul, could you see past my eyes and into the things that show who I am, who I was and who I will be? And could I ever be like the day moth that has given its all and simply died in the sun? And out of all of those times that I had stood on that stage and had sang, out of all of the friends that I once had as and out of the many things that had been said, out of the many things that I had wished for within that strange city but truelly could you ever understand the essence of the dreams that I've had and the passion that I still have and how hard it is to let go of something that I still have willing passion for? Could you ever understand why I had left that dream behind and could you ever see that it was that or nothing? And could I touch any inch of you that I wouldn't later regret within my own abscence? Could I love any inch of you that I would never soon have to come reject? And past all of the streets, past all of the boulevards, past all of the homes and the houses that I had passed, past all of the school buildings and all of the city lights that had led me to who I am. Tell me could you ever truelly understand my broken wishes upon the stars? 

Piano Serenade

I can remember the times I would dress up to be me, to be me and all that I had to offer. I can remember the melodies that I would sing to as I'd pour out my heart in that building where people would teach me all that they had sacrificed for. I can remember all of the times, all of the struggles I went through in order to make those grades, can still remember the things that they would tell me as I'd pour out my all. As I'd pour out my heart and sing my songs of my own melodies. And could this be the times that I had grown into myself? Could these be the times that as I'd hold her close to me, the beautiful broken soul that she was and as she'd teach me the essence of love that I had once written of in my piano serenade. And as I'd look out into the stars asking for a beautiful wish, asking for a dream, for anything to come and present itself to me. Nevermind the cuts, the bruises and the heartbreak I was currently going through. And I can't even begin to tell you of all of those times that I had fallen, all of the times that I had fallen infront of my haters, infront of those who could never understand me and the shit I had gone through. And as I'd wish upon those shooting stars, as I'd sing those melodies as I'd study under that lamp shade that would soon be the tool to help me read of all of the things I would soon come to stumble upon. And in the night, in the dark of the night I would think back upon all of those times, upon all of those fights that I had with him, back to all of those times that I had cried as I had dated that hateful man. Can still remember the friends that I had that had told me that he would never be worth it and in truth he never was. Can still remember the first year I was there in all of the driven dreams that I had, all of the poems that I read infront of the class as they'd just stare at me in the awkward silence that my voice silently sang through. Can still remember the time I had fallen and cut open my nylon with blood trickling down my knee as I had given him my all, a gift of sixteen years that he had stolen from me, a gift that was never meant to be his. But it doesn't much matter to me anymore, that broken heart of mine made me better, made me wiser, made me stronger and in truth made me blunt as hell. Can still remember all of the fights we would get into, can still remember the bruises on my neck, arms and thighs. And who cares what they say, who cares what they think because the truth is I remember when. I can still bluntly remember when. And I'ts been eighteen years coming, been eighteen years of hell, but believe me I'll turn my cards all around. Can still remember all of the trouble I would get into as I'd sacrifice myself for that hopeless love that I had found. Can still remember the days I'd run out of class just to go and see him. But one day there she was, as she had walked me to my car and asked me the question that had changed my life. As I had agreed. And from May to May that little girl had changed my life, was there for me as my three year plan had unraveled. And when it did, when the police were involved she'd sing to me as I'd cry in a bathtub light by candles. If I could be what I am now, somebody should've taken me back to those days I was scared to stick up for myself, maybe I could go back to the days and tell them off, that he was the fucked up one not I. He's the one that started all of this shit. But truelly he, and my other that had tried to help me, both of them were fucked up both of those men. In truth my sisters were right that had told me that I hadn't needed them, hadn't needed anything. But I'm here now, got my wish of strength eventhough it took me eighteen years of pain and suffering to hold this title. So look at me and the shooting star I had wished upon that had soopernova'd.

Again, Again and Again

I come to this place again, again and again and oh how could I surrender to this broken heart, to the eclipses that come and call my name. And how my heart breaks and will break again will all of the injustices of this world, and how it was broken when I was just a young child. But believe me I heard his voice when he said to me "Go forth". I told him again and again and again how I had loved him, and he had shown me more than their face value wisdom and made me strong. And again, again and again they had gotten close, so so close to me, so close that I was scared the strength of mine against all of their fragility would result in their death. I once went under, went under the water when I was a child, almost drowned and got to the last rung of conciousness until my grandfather pulled me back up, there I was down on my knees gasping for air and after the incident I realized that your most vulnerable when your not on your knees. Felt his hand upon my back and heard the words that had told me "be still". And with the breaking, the breaking and the rebreaking of my heart I had learned to live, to live to the fullest until I would set ablaze just like the phoenix and with the crashing, the horrible crashing into the fires and into the flames I would soon resurrect. Would be brought to my knees again again and again only to become stronger through the breaking of my heart. And oh how they would stare at me in awe, how the would stare in disbelief because they could not understand, could not muster the intelligence from their tiny heads. And as I'd tell myself it's ok that they don't understand your unique self, they never will and they don't have to. And again as they'd stare at me i'd hear His voice saying "Be still, just be still" It wouldn't be the last time that I found myself down on my knees again, wouldn't be the first time that my eyes had been opened to more than just the ignorance of this happy world filled with lies. And with the judgement that was constantly passed upon me from their judgemental eyes I learned to go inside of myself and to hide. And could I pray for it all, pray for it all to be over? Could I pray for it all to be what I had wanted it to be, pray for it all, for the pain to be over as I had surrendered a happy surrender in love. And when I hit twelve I learned that it was, that all it ever was and would be was a pack of religious lies. And could you sypmathize, could you understand where my twelve year old mind went as I watched my godfather surrender as he cried. But could they understand him? Could they ever fucking understand the greatness inside of that man? I don't think so, and so there I went down on my knees again, crying so hard I was gasping for air. The floodgates had been opened, and there I was down on the floor on my hands and knees and where was everybody else? Where was that great congregation of singing saints, of prophets and phrophetesses who could profesai like never before? Now do you see? Now do you see me? Now do you believe again? Tell me, truelly tell me do you believe in the words of the pulpit again after hearing my story? Now hear my heart break with that inustice and with that deadly fate. But I, I will always remember my godfather, will always remember his innocent fate again, again, again, again and again.


Still here

I hear the strings of that quartet that sends my torso into the swing of harmony that I feel in this moment. And when I'm held in this time, in this place, in the arms that love me I wonder do you know me? I will never be, could never be what all of them had wanted me to be but still at least I'm willing to learn and understand. In my childhood I loved those so deeply and dearly just to have them cast me and throw me away. In all of this time I have touched more, loved more and held onto the things that this heart has come to believe. You don't know me, you don't know me. You will never see the things that I see, all that I want you will never see the purpose behind them. The reasons that I'm not afraid, no I could never be, I am simply me. I'm real can you feel it? I have so much potential, potential was it? I could've told you more than just my potential, could've showed you who I was and that I'm already living up to that potential. And in the times I sway, in the times I cry, in the times I reach out and hold the hand that I love, in the times I hug the ones I love past all of the things they told me that I should've been, but I, I'm not what you seem for me to be. But I will always dream my dreams past the whispers and lies of the stories they constantly tell themselves, of the assumptions that will always make asses out of the best of us. And maybe your right, maybe I'll never change, maybe just maybe I'm the one thats still here, I'm still here, I'm right here. In all of the ships that I have boarded,  past all of the waves I have ridden, on top of the backs of the horses that rode so fast I could feel the freedom of me just me. Is that what my problem was? Do I not listen to what you want me to be? Could you know me? Did you ever know me? Laughter that persuades me comes to pull and push me and still here I am writing my lyrics that will always sway those to learn more about me and still broken am I when it comes to the moment of me being real and showing the raw emotion of that moment. Was I always a question to you, a conspiracy theory to this world? Am I too bold for my own good? Was I too smart, had I seen to much for this world to accept the answers that I have given? And If you had ever said anything of worth to me would I ever remember past that day? I had once tried so hard to understand what makes one valuable, meant to be held onto instead of tossed out. And was it my flaw that I can't show what was meant to be shown? And out of all of these years trully I have stood alone. In all of the real moments, in all of the times that I have sought after what was meant to belong, out of all of the things that the world has said that I need to change, trully its the blind leading the blind. And when you know me is it my fault for being afraid? Out of the eight that I have helped to make men, did they understand the logic behind my plans? Eventhough they all failed miserably. You will never be able to see me in your periphrial vision. So don't tell me what I should do, what I should be. Because I will always dream my dreams and ignore the whisper of the lies that you wanted me to believe. If I had any flaws it was that I held on for too long, and trully I'm here, I'm the one, I'm still here. I'm the one thats still here.

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Right Here

I hear the strings of that quartet that sends my torso into the swing of harmony that I feel in this moment. And when I'm held in this time, in this place, in the arms that love me I wonder do you know me? I will never be, could never be what all of them had wanted me to be but still at least I'm willing to learn and understand. In my childhood I loved those so deeply and dearly just to have them cast me and throw me away. In all of this time I have touched more, loved more and held onto the things that this heart has come to believe. You don't know me, you don't know me. You will never see the things that I see, all that I want you will never see the purpose behind them. The reasons that I'm not afraid, no I could never be, I am simply me. I'm real can you feel it? I have so much potential, potential was it? I could've told you more than just my potential, could've showed you who I was and that I'm already living up to that potential. And in the times I sway, in the times I cry, in the times I reach out and hold the hand that I love, in the times I hug the ones I love past all of the things they told me that I should've been, but I, I'm not what you seem for me to be. But I will always dream my dreams past the whispers and lies of the stories they constantly tell themselves, of the assumptions that will always make asses out of the best of us. And maybe your right, maybe I'll never change, maybe just maybe I'm the one thats still here, I'm still here, I'm right here. In all of the ships that I have boarded,  past all of the waves I have ridden, on top of the backs of the horses that rode so fast I could feel the freedom of me just me. Is that what my problem was? Do I not listen to what you want me to be? Could you know me? Did you ever know me? Laughter that persuades me comes to pull and push me and still here I am writing my lyrics that will always sway those to learn more about me and still broken am I when it comes to the moment of me being real and showing the raw emotion of that moment. Was I always a question to you, a conspiracy theory to this world? Am I too bold for my own good? Was I too smart, had I seen to much for this world to accept the answers that I have given? And If you had ever said anything of worth to me would I ever remember past that day? I had once tried so hard to understand what makes one valuable, meant to be held onto instead of tossed out. And was it my flaw that I can't show what was meant to be shown? And out of all of these years trully I have stood alone. In all of the real moments, in all of the times that I have sought after what was meant to belong, out of all of the things that the world has said that I need to change, trully its the blind leading the blind. And when you know me is it my fault for being afraid? Out of the eight that I have helped to make men, did they understand the logic behind my plans? Eventhough they all failed miserably. You will never be able to see me in your periphrial vision. So don't tell me what I should do, what I should be. Because I will always dream my dreams and ignore the whisper of the lies that you wanted me to believe. If I had any flaws it was that I held on for too long, and trully I'm here, I'm the one, I'm still here. I'm the one thats still here.

I'm not sure why I feel this way about you; perhaps its because of these dreams I have about you. But I will ironically be the last to know that you love me. And sadly without you I don't feel whole and I wonder why. Can you honestly tell me we shouldn't try this together? My tears have turned the tides, can you tell? Love is a funny thing and yet one more often than not wishes for it to be over. And the funny thing is this world is another mans dream and was never for me. I am the greates thinker you may ever meet. But many could care less due to their dreamworld reality. And could I forget the country from which I get my bumpkin rootes? Just like a childish disease this greed makes my mind want to use my hands to bring love to life. And yet these days go by and still I think about all of the words you said to me when I was at my worst. Days and days seem to go by and still I think about you. Repetition, repetition, repetition without you my dear. But this is it can you hear me? Can you hear the stars come out like I do? And when you've lost everything you can lose I would've offered all of mine. The storm makes me believe that I can be almost anything if I just believe. Nothing is ever as it seems so why should I stop believing?


Cuba_01_E_11_15‑Crumbling_Building.jpg
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crumble

I'm not sure why I feel this way about you; perhaps its because of these dreams I have about you. But I will ironically be the last to know that you love me. And sadly without you I don't feel whole and I wonder why. Can you honestly tell me we shouldn't try this together? My tears have turned the tides, can you tell? Love is a funny thing and yet one more often than not wishes for it to be over. And the funny thing is this world is another mans dream and was never for me. I am the greates thinker you may ever meet. But many could care less due to their dreamworld reality. And could I forget the country from which I get my bumpkin rootes? Just like a childish disease this greed makes my mind want to use my hands to bring love to life. And yet these days go by and still I think about all of the words you said to me when I was at my worst. Days and days seem to go by and still I think about you. Repetition, repetition, repetition without you my dear. But this is it can you hear me? Can you hear the stars come out like I do? And when you've lost everything you can lose I would've offered all of mine. The storm makes me believe that I can be almost anything if I just believe. Nothing is ever as it seems so why should I stop believing?
Cuba_01_E_11_15‑Crumbling_Building.jpg
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Never let you get it

I could never let you get it; you are such a stubborn child at times. I have tried time and time again with this lost cause. My one track mind can't comprihend. I mean nothing to you when you mean so much and continually push me away. I'm going to get up and leave with the strength left in me. You'll just sit tight and let me leave of this I know. But you'll never know that I love you, you'll never know how I feel towards you. I think in a different state of mind. Love should never be judged nor ignored or neglected. And I don't know why, why you continually neglect my needs and desires for you. I'm borken and I've bleed my last spurt of bloody love for you. I am leaving, I bleed, I bleed. you have cut me into so many little pieces and if I tried to touch you one of us would surely bleed. You refust to believe like a stubborn child. Well I'm done, goodbye to you my love.
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450 × 177 - ... that Pan's Labyrinth “deepens our emotional understanding of fascism, ...

Meaning

It seems as though I can't stop but to think what the meaning of life is. And where were you when I had waited for you for so long. When I felt so secure you had simply broken my heart down again, when I was vulnerable you took what you could take. And as I had indulged in myself the defeat of ages I had realized that I'm only in danger of losing you if I let you.
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750 × 520 - And leave ...
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